Three Steps to Clear Communication When You Are Angry

Anger is inevitable in the experience of life as a human and even as a Christian. Righteous anger is an emotion we know God Himself experiences in the Scriptures. As we are made in His image it stands to reason we will experience anger. It is a God given emotion. However, we don’t have to let anger control us. And we must exercise anger in healthy and appropriate ways. It is important to learn to communicate clearly and in a godly-honoring manner when angry.

Ephesians 4:26 reads, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,”

It helps to look at anger as a warning system. Feeling angry is neither good nor bad. It is a way of knowing something isn’t quite right. Think of the alarm system on your house. When the alarm is activated and the beeping starts it is to warn you something is out of place. The beeping itself is not the culprit – it is not the primary problem. You must investigate to find out the root of the problem. So it is with anger – it is an alarm, a secondary emotion to alert you that something else is happening that needs investigation.

The key to accurate and godly communication when you’re angry is being able to get to the root feeling. When your two year olds sprints toward a busy street, your reaction may be anger but the underlying emotion is fear. When you are angry, follow these step to understand your anger.

1. Know your triggers. It helps to know what makes you feel angry and what your body feels like when it is angry. This knowledge reminds you to stop and think before speaking or acting. Knowing your triggers helps you determine the next step.
2. Ask questions. Take a moment to ask yourself and God to help you figure out how you feel. (Jeremiah 33:3 reads, “Call to me and I will answer you,and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.”) Some of those questions could be:
   • Do I feel afraid?
   • Do I feel disrespected?
   • Am I disappointed? Discouraged?
   • Am I tired or hungry?
   • Do I feel ignored?

3.  Once understood, courageously and wisely communicate regarding the underlying feeling instead of in anger. You can make personal feeling statements that reflect those feelings. For example:

• I feel angry and disrespected when you don’t respond to me when we’re talking.
• It makes me feel afraid when you don’t call to tell me you will be late because I worry about your safety.
• I am tired and it makes me more impatient; let’s talk about this after I rest.

WHAT STEPS DO YOU TAKE BEFORE COMMUNICATING WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY?

It may take some practice and a little bit of trial and error to learn how to communicate appropriately when you are angry. However, the more often you practice it, the easier it will become. The ability to say what you need to say when you are angry is a skill that will positively impact every relationship in your life, from work to clients, from toddlers to teens to spouses. You don’t have to suppress your angry feelings. You can learn how to say what you mean in constructive and healthy ways.

Taken from Rhema Counseling – November Courageous Communication Series